Liberation

It is Christmas Eve, 2009. Tonight, I told my best friend I got him tickets to see In The Heights in 2 weeks. I’m excited. I was also really excited to be able to buy him something that was meaningful, and not cheap. He has always been able to express love better with his wallet than I have with my wallet. I wish he didn’t do it because then I wouldn’t feel like I have something expensive to accomplish. It doesn’t matter now. We’re going and he is excited and that is all that matters.

Exactly threes ago, I was spending another boring Christmas at my aunt’s when I had a few drinks. I fell asleep in my cousin’s bed because I was so tired and because of the alcohol. I woke up to what was the beginning of an unexpected and pressured sexual encounter with my cousin. For the longest time, I thought it was something so weird and gross; I never wanted it to be brought up. I only told my closest friends. Also, I always have and probably always will consider it something that was not entirely his fault. I was not the victim and he was not the predator. Yet, why do I still think of him that way. I had to go to the same place a year after it happened and I got completely wasted. That was not smart. The same thing did not happen but something small happened that I did not want to happen. Then two years later, we barely spoke to each other because he was asleep the whole time. That was nice. Both those times, all I was thinking was “I don’t want to go; I don’t want to see him.” I’m always going to associate Christmas with this disgusting thing I did and how I wish it never happened. This Christmas was different. I felt, I don’t know, liberated I guess. I mean, I did nothing but play pool and talk about the latest movies out. But, I did this with another family. I almost wanted to cry when I got home. I have always had some sort of “another” family and they were always there when I did not want to be surrounded by mine. That is how I grew up. It was always the girls there and their family there with open arms. I really want that back. Anyway, I really should not get into that. But, I’m starting to realize how in so many ways, they people in my childhood had such an effect on me. I grew up with two different mothers in my life; therefore, I’m often going to associate a mother that I meet with either one of the ones I grew up with. One is amazing, one isn’t. That’s the long and the short of it. So anyways, something about this Christmas was special. I spent it with people I never have before and I really valued that company. It was nice to feel comfortable. I don’t want to seem weak or like I’m making a big deal about what happened. I’m just human. I JUST DON'T WANNA NOT BE MESSED UP IN THE HEAD ANYMORE! Is it too much to ask to not be scarred for life anymore?