Being queer sounds cool to me

July 30th, 2009
Being queer isn’t a term many people I know would find completely understandable. Two years ago, I wouldn’t have understood it either. But now, it is a big part of many things I think about. When I think about someone I’ve hooked up with that happens to be female bodied, that is natural for me. Most likely, it makes me smile. I didn’t have these experiences two years ago to think about; doesn’t mean I didn’t daydream.
When I get a new haircut (self done), I always have a hard time looking in the mirror for the first week. Cutting my hair is a way that I express my gender. When I am put into situations where I have to work with people I don’t know and they look different then me, I try to forget what they see when they look at me because they might be judging me. In life, I plan on getting judged a lot. I cannot stand those looks, though; the “What the fuck is wrong with you? You would be such a pretty girl if you let your hair grow.” Who says I have to be a pretty girl; the men that honk at me when I’m walking down the street maybe? That is a perk to having hair so “boyish”; a little less men think you’re hot and want to fuck you. I’m sick and tired of men trying to get my number and trying to talk to me. DON’T YOU SEE I’M UGLY!?!? A teacher once told me he believed that was my mission; to look uglier and uglier. I took it as an insult at the time even though I understood him completely and contemplated it later. The thing is, I don’t want to be a girl or a boy. I want to be something you may not see every day. I want to be something so fluid, that I make no sense and people accept it. I want to be referred to as “Abi” and I want to cut my hair short enough that I never need to use a brush. I want to walk with bad posture and have a deep voice and occasionally grab my imaginary balls. I want to be able to show clevich every now and then and wear shoes from the women’s section and some make up. I want to look at other people who don’t make sense but are clearly beautiful. What annoys me is the idea that so many people choose to fit the expected look and do it blindly. I want to represent my culture; my queer culture. I believe that is another reason I cut my hair; I want people to know. Sometimes, it is very frustrating that I don’t fit the perfect mold of looking like an obvious guy or an obvious girl. It’s hard watching everyone else being respected the same because they look “right” and having to worry whether or not you’re going to get what you want because you don’t look like everybody else. I want to be able to yell “I like making out with women sometimes. They can be really sexy” without feeling like I just confessed I was a terrorist. It’s also a matter of my fluidity with my sexual orientation. If I don’t want to be a boy or girl, why should I expect everyone else to be? It’s not that I like kissing women, it’s that I like kissing someone who I am attracted to and that could easily be someone with boobs. I hate it when someone assumes that I am straight. I think it is written all over my face that I'm not but all queers say that. I was recently asked if there was a boy I my life. I didn’t, but I want to reply with “Maybe I’m not into boys. You shouldn’t assume.” I can’t identify as a lesbian because I am certain that word doesn’t describe me. That is a term I feel is used by female identified people who are attracted to other female identified people. That definitely isn’t me. Unfortunately, I’m more complex. I’m just me. I always forget that the fact that I come off as a lesbian is something that would want to make some men talk to me so repelling men doesn’t happen as often as I would like it to. Men have made their definition in my life and I am therefore scarred. I wish my feelings towards me weren’t so skewed (I guess is the word I’m looking for). Growing up, I watched my father beat my mother continuously and I was very young. It scared me all the time but I had to expect it after a certain point. As a “girl,” I was taught that if a man says he is going to do something, believe him no matter what. It was proven with my father. I seemed to always suppress whatever I knew about men when I met one or was in a private situation with one. I figured that things would be different because I was different. It took way too long for me to learn that I was so fucking wrong. I’m not that different and certainly not that special. If somebody wants to take advantage of me and I am clearly not seeing it, they will do it. I won’t understand the scenario I put myself into until it’s too late and then I go through that all over again with a different man. Why did I do that? I think I did it because I had hoped to spend the rest of my life with a man and I just kept trying to find someone who proved everything wrong. It never happened, I gave up. I was forced to accept my same sex desires and act upon them with an open mind. In no means am I saying I became queer. I am saying that I embraced the part of me that didn’t fit in the binary and tried what I thought I would like. I opened my eyes to the world of not being so boring and typical. Now, here I am watching The L Word on youtube. I believe I’ve gone full circle.