Best Friends Rock

August 1st, 2009
I have a migraine. “Laundry is the only thing that should be separated by color.”-Unknown. This is a nice way to put it. I’m looking up quotes online. “Racism, in the first place, is a weapon used by the wealthy to increase the profits they bring in by paying Black workers less for their work.” –Angela Davis. These are all well put. I am going to try to make my own quote that is clever and that makes you think. Question: Why is it that when a white person has a not white person as a best friend, it’s cool but when a person of color has a white person as a best friend, it’s almost expected and accepted as something that is a good thing? My whole life, my best friends were white. My doctors were white. My teachers were white. My best friend told me once that people have said how it’s cool that I’m his best friend, me being someone who isn’t white. Is it cool because he is giving me something by being a white male? Am I automatically needy because I am American-Dominican? Should I be thankful that he chose me? I really don’t get it. No one has ever patted me on the back for having a white friend and no one probably will. I feel like everything is decided mutually with us. I guess there are people out there that expect something different.
When I was younger, I was convinced that I wanted to be white. It was my deepest secret. I was embarrassed. I really hated the color of my skin and everything that came with it. I was ashamed to hate it. Of course, I didn’t understand why I hated it, but I was uneducated about these things back then. My best friends at the time had a family that wasn’t too different from mine. The home was big enough, dinner together or semi-together, two parents, and cool toys. We had different diets and different cultures but otherwise, it wasn’t that different. So, why did I feel different? I was friends with their friends in their neighborhood and they were all white but they were all taught to be accepting for the most part. They didn’t make me feel like a different person because of the color of my skin. I always felt different from them because I matured much earlier and never did the same activities they did. What were we taught that was different? Did we learn more from our parents, our friends, school teachers, television, or what? We were so young so things stuck to us easily. Till this day, it is clear that they don’t think about the things I think about. I knew when we were 10 and I know at 17. We’ve gone on different paths due to the cards life dealt us but we still keep some of the values we learned as children. Honestly, they (as a family) taught me so many things that my parents never instilled that I will never forget.
I’ve moved on to another best friend and he means so much to me. But sometimes, I can’t keep our differences out of my mind. What has been in my head since I was a youngster is still there. It was always “I’m not pretty because I’m not white. I’m not happy because I’m not white. People don’t like me because I’m not white.” I felt certain that I was going to end up alone because I wanted a white man and a white man would never want me. A white man would never want me because I’m not white and that’s why I’m ugly. These are things I thought about all the time in elementary school. WHY IS A FUCKING EIGHT YEAR OLD THINKING THIS?!? I don’t know. “When it comes to race, I don’t know why.”- Abi. Why did the white power that was seen through 8 year old eyes influence her entire way of thinking about herself? I know I watched too much television as a child. Unfortunately, when racism and white supremacy was taught, I was first in class with a sharpened pencil and an apple for the teacher.