Kids will be kids

Wednesday August 19th, 2009 12:43 am
So I plan on going to sleep eventually because I have something important to try and accomplish later in the day. I’ve been in a significant amount of pain that is most likely cause by a choice that I made, willingly, and I need to find out if that is true and how to end it. I’m not that nervous because if it is what I think it is, it is easily treatable. I will just be mad at myself for the choices I have made, whether under the influence or above it. Thankfully, due to the cultural changes in history concerning women and women’s needs, there are many resources out there I can use; especially being completely broke at this point. When you have $2 to your name, you look for anything that has “FREE” in the title. I really hope I get some answers tomorrow.
I don’t know why, but I can talk about racism and how it has affected my life for a really long time (in moderation). I’d like to think this is part of what makes me a feminist. This past Sunday, I was hanging out with some friends that I seldom see. Someone who I have never met before made a racist comment. Mind you, this is in Westport, Connecticut. All these people are perceived white and many of them are probably rich. His comment isn’t important but I heard it and didn’t say anything. I wanted to kick myself in the crotch. If I didn’t care, then WHY THE FUCK AM I WRITING THIS BULLSHIT!? Eventually, the “white man” said something. When I say eventually, I mean a breath after this kid made the comment. I love that “white” guy. <3 (There are quotations around white because he’s not just another white guy and he should never let that identity define him. I’m just drawing a picture in your mind to make my point. Also, I’m trying not to use names I know will be mentioned often. I shouldn’t be heavily exposing people without their permission. I know I would want to know anything going on in the internet about me.) The kid’s excuse was that he grew up in a white town which means he has the right to be racist. Talk about the biggest mouthful of human waste ever?? I have no reason to believe any of the other people there are racist so clearly his excuse was just his way of saying “I’m an uneducated prick who has never been out into the real world and doesn’t know any legitimate brothahs and sistah because I don’t like to travel outside of Westport.” Now of course, none of this could be true about him. This is just me thinking; being raw and opinionated. Anyways, after he gave his excuse, the “white man” looks at me of course and I say “that’s why we go to school” which was only directed towards him. I didn’t project so the kid could hear it but I’m sure he did. Mind you, we’re outside and I’m probably 2 meters away from this kid, at the most. Then, because he is THE MAN, the “white man” says “Well that’s my best friend (points to me) so yeah, I’m not cool with that.” I don’t think that last part about him not being cool with it was exactly what he said but it doesn’t matter. The point is I heard what he said; I heard it loud and clear and I didn’t become one pissed off chica. So I’m not RIGHT next to him and it doesn’t seem like I’m REALLY in the conversation but I am listening because the comment he was responding to seemed like something that was directed towards the circle. (Now I have to tell it!) A female, who had just come back from an overseas vacation, said, “I had an old man helps me with my bags,” or something along those lines. This kid replies with “That’s what the black men are for.” Now, I don’t identify as black, nor do I identify as a man (which totally doesn’t fucking matter when it comes to oppressive comments); but, in the words of GLSEN, “Ouch.” I highly doubt he knows what “oops, ouch, educate” is but, I digress. In about 5 seconds or so, I made the conclusion that he was implying that black people are supposed to be doing manual labor for the white people. Hello, because this isn’t 2009 or anything and we don’t have a president of mixed races or anything. How do you get away with saying shit like that? Not happening around me, buddy! Mhoo hoo haa haa haa. So afterwards, I made it seem like I didn’t care because I hear it all the time so I just brush it off my shoulder. I have a bad habit of not saying anything when people make racist remarks. I make no sense. I write about how this shit is ruling my life and yet I do nothing about it. I’m not helping to end this shit with my words like I should be. “Your voice is the most powerful tool in erasing hate,” –Judy Shepard. I need to start stepping up. This is probably the number one thing I want to change about myself when I go into college. In terms of making myself a new identity, I’m going to be known for having the equality attitude. Even if some people don’t want to hang out with me because of it, which happened in high school, I won’t give a flying fuck. I’ll just hang out with the teachers like I always have. I’ve always had a problem with getting my true feelings out which is why I started writing and made a blog. When I get to college, I want all of that to change. This is important for me and my growth as an adult. I’m sick and fucking tired of holding back. Watch out, fuckers. Here I come.